


Big Girls Cry

by BromeliadLucy



Series: Fics based on Sia songs [1]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Ending, Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-23
Updated: 2016-09-23
Packaged: 2018-08-16 22:34:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8120101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BromeliadLucy/pseuds/BromeliadLucy
Summary: Based on the song Big Girls Cry by Sia.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NhKWZpkw1QSo this came out of the fact I’ve been mishearing the lyrics to this song for ages! I thought the line was ‘black ops and airplanes’ and was ‘ooooh like spies and stuff’.  It’s not. It’s ‘blackOUTS and airplanes’. Not my fault if Sia missed a trick there ;)This is in some fictional time after CA:CW but when everyone is friends again because my heart is still broken ;)





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is (mild) angst. But if you want something a bit happier, there's an additional ending at the end (where else would you put an ending?!)

_Tough girl_  
_I’m in pain_  
_It's lonely at the top_  
_Blackouts and airplanes_

Just when you thought the world was safe, you were sent out to save it yet again. The world hated you when things went wrong, forgetting the fact you were a team of just a few people, and you were still doing more than most world governments managed. So they hated you, and vilified you on the front page of every paper, but god forbid you didn’t turn up to the next crisis. 

You felt as if all you did these days was go on missions, recover from missions, and repeat. It was perhaps easier for you than for some of the Avengers, as your role was often more hidden. They were there, front and centre, Cap, Tony, Bruce, all of them, pictured saving the day and/or destroying cities, depending on your point of view. You used to get infuriated at the number of times you’d heard ‘they broke that building/killed those people’ as if you did it for fun, or as if the guilt didn’t hurt you all forever after. And let’s not forget, if you hadn’t all been there, FAR more buildings and people would have been lost, but of course that didn’t matter. Tony had threatened to cut off your internet access at one point when he found you wide awake at 4am, having arguments online with people about this. You’d used an anon login of course, but he just raised an eyebrow and sent you to bed, reminding you ‘you can’t fix stupid’. But you saw him staring sadly at the screen as you left, reading the post about how ‘Iron Man was just a thug’.

So being a spy, and a stealth assassin, at least made things easier. You weren’t always on the front page, and you could go out in public and rarely be recognised (or when you were, the assumption that you were Stark’s secretary or mistress, or both, was the usual one). So sure, you could go out, but then what? Go to a bar, alone, and be called back for a mission briefing five minutes later? Get chatting to a sweet guy and when he asks what you do, what do you tell him then? Get past that stage, somehow, and you’ve been back to his place a couple of times, now he wants to go back to yours? Yeah, rolling into Avengers Tower and running the gauntlet of jibes and threats from your team mates wasn’t going to guarantee a long term relationship. It just wasn’t worth it.

You knew you weren’t alone in this. Tony had Pepper, who understood the pressures. Clint had Laura, although their relationship was so hush-hush you wondered how it survived. Steve had Bucky, and they’d long since stopped denying that. The rest of you weren’t so lucky. Bruce, Sam, Natasha, you, there were a lot of lonely hearts in that Tower.

_Tough girl_  
_In the fast lane_  
_No time for love_  
_No time for hate_  
_No drama no time_  
_For games_  
_Tough girl_  
_Whose soul aches_

You’d almost convinced yourself it was a choice. You were an AVENGER. You were one of the best spies in the world, one of the highest kill rates there was, these were world-changing facts and you didn’t have time for hanging around some guy whose greatest achievement was his collection of baseball cards, or that time he met someone half-famous. You lived life in the fast lane, there was no time for anything else; love or hate. Yeah, you’d almost convinced yourself. It was a lie though. You’d come back from a mission, and you’d be cleaned up and in bed and your body would long for someone to hold you when you cried for all the bodies. Your soul ached with loneliness.

_I'm at home_  
_On my own_  
_Check my phone_  
_Nothing though_  
_Act busy_  
_Order in_  
_Pay TV_  
_It's agony_

Instead, you’d come back from a mission and you’d all find your own, lonely, ways to deal with the trauma you’d seen, the lives you couldn’t save. Not always the healthiest ways. Alcohol was often involved. But some nights you couldn’t deal with any more human contact, couldn’t cope with the pain you could practically feel radiating off the Avengers so alone seemed the best answer. You didn’t know how Wanda put up with it, being as sensitive as she was. So you’d be home, you’d order in takeout, watch TV, pretend you were busy doing all the day to day things that normal people did. But it was agony. There was no one calling, texting, no contact. Just loneliness.

_I may cry, ruining my makeup_  
_Wash away all the things you've taken_  
_And I don't care if I don't look pretty_  
_Big girls cry when their heart is breaking_

And that’s when the tears would come. Right now you were all dolled up after infiltrating a business event. High heels, short skirt, make up done. That had got you in, and you’d been able to get out when chaos descended after the body was found. The body of the man you’d killed. You had to, you knew what he’d done, what he was planning, this was the only way to send the message, but it was just another black mark in your mind. You had the intel you needed, you’d reported in to Fury, now you came back to your apartment in the Tower and as soon as your door was shut, you were in tears. Make up streaming down your face, you slipped down onto the floor, back against the door. It hardly mattered if you didn’t look pretty now, but it was just so hard, dealing with all this alone. You cried yourself to sleep.

_I wake up alone_

 

**Alternate/additional ending**

You cried yourself out, until there was nothing left. Based on so many past nights, it was time to hit the bottle, hard, until the sound of a breaking neck was washed away. You didn’t have any other way to get past what you’d done, and no matter how much you all told each other that it was right, well, was it? That man tonight, he was just the last in a long line of murderers, abusers, a dictator of a small country known for his crimes against humanity. But weigh that up against your own acts…? You started to cry again.

There was a knock at the door. You paused, surprised, so used to ending each mission alone. You needed a moment to remember that there was no way there was a threat, not inside Avengers Tower itself, and you opened it. Sam. Sam and a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Sam had been there tonight too, he’d been backup tonight, but he’d been in your shoes often enough.

‘Remind me why we all go hide out and hurt alone after a mission?’ He joked but the humour didn’t reach his eyes. ‘Can I come in? I just couldn’t do it anymore. Sitting there, up at the top, at home, on my own...’

You nod him in and as he passes, reach for the bottle, quickly opening it and taking a deep swig. You lick your lips as you pull the bottle away, chasing the last drops with your tongue. You look up to pass the bottle back to Sam and see his eyes are on your mouth. You lick your lips, quickly, one more time, and see his breathing deepen. The thought of being held, by someone who understands, is suddenly before you. 

Maybe, this time, you won’t have to wake up alone.


End file.
